hi xanga, i kinda missed you.

so. aside from all the spontaneous music and picture uploads, and the occasional subscription reads, i've been quite m.i.a. around xanga. sometimes, i'd start an entry and not even come close to writing about what i intended to write in the first place. some days, i just sit here and wonder where all the multiple-updates-a-day have gone. i don't know. i wish i knew.

college is busy, but i do have free time. especially since i do procrastinate, of course. i feel like most of the free time i have goes to either taking naps or talking to people- roommates, floormates, old friends, boyfriend. yeah, it's a transition. i don't know if it's the general academia itself, or if it's just my school that makes me feel like college for me is solely work-oriented. hm. i had this idea pre-college that i was going to be this new, super outgoing person who manages to balance her time between work and play. but that's not how it is right now. i think it's safe to say that my school doesn't really have the stereotypical crazy and lively college life everyone's heard of. i can partially blame it on that, yes. but i'd also be lying if i said i've been putting myself out there, looking for things to occupy myself with other than books and the infinite yes anti-social world that is the internet. there are parties on weekends, but most of the time, they're just not my thing. there are some fun clubs to join, but i feel like it's already so late in the year that they'd probably seem clique-y by now. i don't know. i feel alienated sometimes. it gets pretty lonely in here.

this is why i lovee going to m's school so much. aside from the obvious fact that i get to spend time with him, his school just seems like a very chill, less pedantic, and all-around more fun place to live in. it's not like they party often - they don't party at all. but they aree surrounded by extremely friendly people who would randomly invite you to a game of taboo at 2 o'clock in the morning. or order super unhealthy food at 4 am. or watch scary movies in the middle of the night when there are papers to be written and work to be done. even when we're just in his room doing work, there's a certain atmosphere there that is lacking in my college that makes me feel less of a high-strung, crazy stressful college student. i feel like there is just so muchh pressure here compared to m's colelge. i feel like there's this unspoken obligation to push yourself in this school: you can't slack, you can't fall behind, you can't make yourself look vulnerable. there's this notion that since you got in, you must be a top student, so you better keep up the pace. it is kind of ridiculous some days.

it's not necessarily that much harder than high school. but it is less active - and that's what i miss. i don't mind being busy and slightly stressed out because i know that i'm being productive and doing something enjoyable with my time. but all work and no play makes me quite sad. i haven't done anything remotely close to artsy since i've been here. i miss creative writing. yes, we do have a number of literary clubs and magazines i could join and contribute to, but this is college. and i know they are going to murder whatever decent piece of writing i can come up with. criticism is welcome, yes, but sadly not at this level. and chess! i miss chess... and science league... sheesh. my level of geekness isn't even worth mentioning around here since it feels like everyone else is one step ahead of me. no, i'm not putting myself down. i know i belong here. i just wish i could view this as a more enjoyable college experience altogether, and not just the difficult college life i anticipated.

meh.

“I grew up in a college town, and one Halloween our doorbell rang and we opened the door expecting to see trickortreaters—but what was in front of our open door—was another door! Like, a full-on wooden door, that had a sign that said “Please knock.” So we did, and the door swung open to reveal a bunch of college dudes dressed as really old grandmothers, curlers in their hair, etc, who proceeded to coo over our “costumes” and tell us we were “such cute trick or treaters!” One even pinched my cheek. Then THEY gave US candy, closed their door, picked it up and walked to the next house.”

i am jealous
even though i know i shouldn't be.

i can't help it.
i hate it.
i'll get over it.

this is a rant.
i have mixed feelings about this semester.
on the one hand, i feel like my classes are pretty bomb,
pretty doable, but pretty challenging,
pretty much like what i expected college to be.
some days i feel like the worst student ever,
procrastinating and alreadyy staying up late to finish homework.
but some days, two hours of lecture seems like nothing.
this is why i'm so indecisive and hesitant to join the field hockey team.
even though their level of play is pretty much comparable to
our more intense varsity games last year,
i feel like it's going to be a repeat of senior year.
eating up my time for school, my friends, M, and occasional siestas.
but like last year's team, they are sooo inviting and close and sisterly.
i dunno. i'm sure that if i tell my parents that i'm joining the team,
they would freak out and advise me to focus on my studies first.
and for once, i do agree with them.
on the other hand, i can't help but just wanttt to be in the team.
i want to be in the team. i want to playy. ugh.
i'll figure it out.